Very few people facing divorce want a bitter court battle, soaring legal costs, and emotional turmoil. There’s a growing awareness that despite strong feelings of hurt, grief, and even anger, it’s possible to have an “amicable” divorce. However, amicable divorce often means focusing on non-attorney alternatives, sometimes trying to DIY a divorce. Often people think that using attorneys will inevitably lead to a financially ruinous, highly contentious divorce. Let’s explore five common misconceptions about amicable divorce and uncover the truths behind them.

Misconception 1: All Attorneys Will Generate Conflict 

The Truth: It is true that most divorce attorneys operate in an adversarial system of justice (the court system) which almost inevitably increases conflict and cost. There’s the impression that attorneys themselves are trying to create conflict. But if you remove attorneys from the adversarial system, conflict will often go down. How do you remove attorneys from the adversarial system? Ask them to sign a collaborative law participation agreement requiring, under North Carolina law, that neither attorney involved in your divorce will ever go to court against the other spouse. If you go another step and you find an attorney that operates exclusively or primarily in the collaborative process, instead of in the adversarial process, then you will likely have found an attorney who can help you in your divorce without increasing conflict. 

Misconception 2: Attorneys Are Too Expensive

The Truth: It is true that in a litigated divorce the costs of court appearances, depositions, and drawn-out legal battles can add up to tens of thousands of dollars. Even if a case is settled before going to court, the cost of preparing the case for settlement discussions and the possibility of needing to file a court action, will still have added up to a hefty legal bill. In a collaborative divorce, even though the option does involve hiring attorneys, the cost is not the same as hiring attorneys who will or may take your case to court. The collaborative process is typically more cost-effective than anything in the adversarial system. Attorneys with experience and training in the collaborative process are able to help resolve issues efficiently, because there’s no need to prepare as if going to trial. Attorneys’ fees are significantly reduced. Additionally, the emphasis on cooperation can reduce emotional stress, which often leads to better decision-making and fewer post-divorce disputes—saving even more money in the long run.

Misconception 3: Mediation Is the Best Way to Have an Amicable Divorce 

The Truth: It is true that divorce mediation was developed as a way to avoid courtroom battles. However, over the years, mediation in North Carolina has become part of the adversarial process in the courts. Mediation is now required in all custody and equitable distribution cases before a case can go to trial. As a result, mediation has simply become part of the court system, and it typically feels adversarial, not amicable. Even if mediation is attempted before a case is filed in court, it still feels like part of the adversarial system. Collaborative divorce, on the other hand, is strictly outside of the adversarial system. An amicable divorce is much more likely in the collaborative process. 

Misconception 4: An Amicable Divorce Will Mean Giving Up Legal Rights

The Truth: One of the key benefits of collaborative divorce is that both parties retain their own legal counsel to advocate for their individual needs. It is quite possible, with the help of good collaborative attorneys, to negotiate a good marital settlement that is both amicable and fair to both spouses. There is no need to choose between being “nice” and giving up rights or being “mean” and getting your needs met. Your collaborative divorce attorney is there to ensure that your interests are represented throughout the process, while at the same time operating in an atmosphere of honesty, cooperation, integrity, and professionalism. The collaborative setting allows for open dialogue and creative problem-solving, which often leads to fairer outcomes that both parties can agree on.

Misconception 5: There is no Amicable Alternative for Complex Cases

The Truth: It is true that separation agreement forms found online and DIY divorce tutorials are particularly unsuited for complex financial or parenting issues. Collaborative divorce, on the other hand is well-suited for complex cases in which couples wish to proceed amicably. A team-based approach in the collaborative process can mean seamlessly bringing in neutral professionals with specialized expertise to address complexities such as high-value assets, business ownership, or complicated custody arrangements. A financial expert might help value assets and create equitable division strategies, while a child specialist might help parents understand how best to support their children through the transition from one home to two. The collaborative process’s flexibility makes it a powerful tool for resolving even the most intricate issues.

Why Choose Collaborative Divorce?

Collaborative divorce offers a unique opportunity to resolve disputes in a manner that preserves dignity and encourages cooperation. By examining common misconceptions about how to avoid rancor and disrespect, we hope to shed light on the many advantages of the collaborative process. If you’re considering divorce and want to explore a process that prioritizes your family’s well-being, reach out to a collaborative divorce attorney to learn more.

Remember, the end of a marriage doesn’t have to mean the beginning of a battle. With the right support and mindset, you can transition into the next chapter of your life with clarity and confidence.